Alienation

This is the midday reflection I gave at prayer on the 15th. I have included the scripture it is in reference to.
Peace!!

October 21, 2008
Tuesday, Twenty-ninth week in Ordinary Time
Reading 1
Brothers and sisters:
 You were at that time without Christ,
 alienated from the community of Israel
 and strangers to the covenants of promise,
 without hope and without God in the world.
 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off
 have become near by the Blood of Christ.

 For he is our peace, he made both one 
and broke down the dividing wall of enmity, through his Flesh, 
abolishing the law with its commandments and legal claims,
 that he might create in himself one new person in place of the two,
 thus establishing peace,
 and might reconcile both with God,
 in one Body, through the cross,
 putting that enmity to death by it.
 He came and preached peace to you who were far off
 and peace to those who were near,
 for through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father.

 So then you are no longer strangers and sojourners,
 but you are fellow citizens with the holy ones
 and members of the household of God, 
built upon the foundation of the Apostles and prophets,
 with Christ Jesus himself as the capstone.
 Through him the whole structure is held together 
and grows into a temple sacred in the Lord;
 in him you also are being built together
 into a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.


Do you have any powerful memories of something that happened when you were in kindergarten? Chances are, if you do, they will be of moments when you were very happy, very sad, very loved, or very frightened, or as St. Paul said in our reading today, moments when you felt far off or felt very near. Here's one of my kindergarten moments I was walking home from kindergarten one particular day when it was very, VERY windy. I remember clutching the door to an area business when all of a sudden it swung open! There was a big barreling man towering over me. I remember being a bit starteled, so I looked at the really ugly green carpet. He said, “I know who you are, I will take you home. Let’s go.” I couldn’t think of anything to say, but I just knew that my tummy was rolling for some reason. He drove me home in a really ugly brown car. I ran into the house to find my mom vacuuming the carpet and telling me to pack because us girls were going to stay with our grandparents that weekend. Tonight was supposed to be fun! I was going to be with Grandma and Grandpa Mougey- there would be great food- TV and really exciting games like kings in a corner, and Chinese Checkers! This was a guaranteed good time! I paused for a moment, and knew that if I told my mom I took a ride with a stranger, I would be in trouble, so I decided not to.
When it was time for dinner, we all sat down: the three girls and my grandparents. Scrambled egg sandwiches. I was going to be sick. My tummy ache from the car ride never went away. Grandpa told me to go and lie on the couch and rest for a bit. So I did, he came out and asked me what was wrong. I began to cry and told him that I had done something wrong, something that I knew I wasn’t supposed to do, but had done it anyways! I took a ride with a stranger.

Since that night in Kindergarten, I have had other experiences in my life in which I have felt really bad. I had done something wrong. As an adult, I call this alienation. Alienation comes to people in a variety of ways. For me, it came in this story when I did something that I knew was wrong, and continued by not telling my mom when I came home. Some people are challenged to stand up for what they believe in and are alienated for their strong convictions. Some people experience alienation from others by distance or inability to communicate. The main ingredient of alienation though is isolation- being separated. We can choose to continue on this path to alienation by focusing in unhealthy ways on those times in our lives when we have distanced ourselves from God’s loving embrace, and from those who embody God’s loving embrace in our daily lives.
Alienation brings up other points of concern. Alienation, while involving a central character generally brings others into grief. It is in this way that alienation is also communal. We reject those around us; we are so immersed in our own personal challenges that we forget to look at those around us who are on this journey as well. Paul calls them the “Holy Ones”. The immersion that one succumbs to in alienation is an issue of safety. We do not go out on long journeys by ourselves with out at least telling someone. It is not safe. Why would we question the road to God as being a singular experience, a journey for one? In alienating ourselves from places we belong, we sound an alarm to those around us. It is this alarm that encourages Paul to write his epistle to the Ephesians.

Paul reminds the Ephesians that we are separated right now- but there is desire to be unified with one another in our communities and with the relational, Triune God Paul glorifies in the reading. We are to create our selves anew, and to replace our older, torn versions of self. Have we done this? Have we mended our hearts from the bitterness that can creep into our lives from disappointment? Have we looked to those around us and offered help? Have we asked for help? What this will look like is different for every one. For some it is a bag of M&M’s, for others it is a call from a family member who shared some disappointing news. Regardless of what form mending comes from, it brings about relief or its own peace.
But it is not always as easy or simple as M&Ms or a phone call. Paul is encouraging the Ephesians to remember that through their (and our) belief in Jesus, and Jesus’ relationship with the other members of the Trinity, we can truly begin to understand the impact of relationships. Peace comes in relationships when encounter Christ in and with each other. There is a potential for relief in the sharing of pains and false expectations, hurts and sadness. But the wandering comes to an end- our journey finds a more distinct path. The fog isn’t so dense. We continue on our way to constant conversion and transformation, "moving in the same direction that we are, holy ones who can "bring us near when we feel far off because our relationship with them brings us to peace."

So what does peace look like when alienation has been left behind on a journey?
For me, at 6 it began with my Grandpa holding me telling me he was glad I was safe! Peace continued when my mother wrapped her arms around me and hugged me so tight the next night. How to be safe, how we can be brought beyond alienation when others embrace us with the peace of Christ is how we walk with “holy ones” on our journey.

Forgiveness...

Forgiveness…what does this mean? What does this call forth? Why is it so damn hard?
The more that I have forgiven, and the more I have sought forgiveness from others- (one outweighs the others) the more I have been stumped by forgiveness. I had an ah-ha moment about a month ago on retreat in which I came to understand that true forgiveness is not a moment, but rather a continual process.
What happens when I have to forgive my church? Should it be perfect and therefore not in need of my forgiveness as a representative of the community? Should I be seeking forgiveness for thinking thoughts that are not always charitable to my church? If the church is the “Bride of Christ” (a phrase that I more often than not cringe when I hear), shouldn’t she know better than to treat people the way she does? Is it enough to know that it is not the church- but the agents that are acting through the community that are in need of my forgiveness?
I asked a woman once why she stays as a contributing member of the church which continually finds ways to limit her contributions, the contributions of gay/lesbian to name a couple. Her answer was, “ It is in my makeup-it’s a part of me-its who I am.” Ok- I can identify with that. I certainly feel that way as well, but I wonder about circumstances when the body rejects certain parts of its make up. What happens when a bone gets broken and has to be pinned or set- or even removed? Is the church like that as well? Is there a way to remove the church then? Or what if it is like an immune deficiency disease where the body will attack itself at a chromosomal level? What is the recourse for such predicaments?
How do I continue to live an authentic existence and contribute in ways that are real when I face such a struggle in my identity as a Catholic woman? There is so much beauty and tragedy that faces the church on any given day. Maybe that is why there is such a need for forgiveness.
Peace.

Authentic Madness

It is no secret to those who know me that I am a bit of a fan of Jane Austen, her writing, her characters, and her stories have always delighted me. One of my favorite characters is Fanny Price from the novel Mansfield Park. Whenever Fanny is facing a difficult choice or point that requires contemplation (in the movie) she will often say,

“Run mad as often as you choose, but do not faint.”

I was watching the movie again this weekend and heard this comment in a different way than I had previously. “Mad” in this setting—for my interpretation means crazy- not committed. There can be a frantic tone to the atmosphere, but “mad” is a great Austenian term that reflects the craziness of life in general.

My life seems to every once in awhile act “mad” on its own accord, and I have no choice but to be “mad” within my own response to life. Some madness encourages destructive forces, while others encourages a range of emotions that I would die without. Madness is how I sometimes know that I am alive-breathing- a part of the greater universe. Madness encourages desires for what I know I want- companionship, love, friendship, wine, conversation, laughter. It also shows me what I may not always want- the feelings that are a part of the human experience that are painful-tears, sorrow, jealousy, insecurity, lust, depression.

Interestingly enough, we as humans can go through a day experiencing a range of these emotions in one day. Some people may shy away from such “erratic” ranges, I on the other hand look to my feelings to show me that I am still here on this planet and engaged in my surroundings. These feelings, the emotions serve as a reminder that I am here. Having dealt with my own depression- I know that when I don’t feel is when I am in trouble. Feeling is what senses energy for me. I exercise when I am upset- or ecstatic. (Since my ankle is healing this has been happening with greater frequency!!) I eat when I am by myself enjoying my own company but also when I share intimate moments with a friend, or a group of friends.

But remember- don’t stop-DO NOT faint! There is much in life when enough pause is given, that it can seem overwhelming and destructive-intimidating. Do not faint- Keep going! My father is fond of pointing out that “If you are going through hell, keep going. You might get out before the devil even knows you were there.” I think that was made into a country song a couple of years ago. Or as my mother would say, “Honey, keep your head up!” (What can I say, my parents are the best!- wise, generous, honest, loving and a bit mad in their own way!!)

So, run mad- be mad-be alive, BE!

Make your own stories!

Don’t stop! DO NOT faint!

Have faith!

Express your living in ways that reflect your heart!

Words of Wisdom

I had the pleasure of listening to Dr. Wangari Maathia- the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize Recipient. She was awarded the Dignitas Humanea award- the highest honor from Saint John’s School of Theology•Seminary. There were many wise words that she imparted to the crowd- and yet I will highlight just a few.

“Most great people fall on untrodden ground.”

Our scriptures tell many of such stories, of men and women who continually fall. Whether their fall is due to their own inconsistencies, or if their fall is at the hand of another-nonetheless great people fall. But, the point of Dr. Maathai’s words is that the place where we fall is just as important. The untrodden ground also has a bearing in our scriptures. The sower throws seeds in many directions- some could even venture that it would be untrodden ground. This prompts reflection- “What kind of ground am I walking on? Am I forging a path that is unique to my experience?” Now, having questioned, I must put some disclaimer’s into the reflection. I do not mean to imply that my path will be unique- but rather, is it unique to my understanding? The other disclaimer- uniqueness should not imply a movement outside of the base of a community. Community should be at the heart of one’s experience.

“I did not go into the nunnery, but what you see is the nun in me.”

The next quote was one that I held close. When I decided to pursue ministry in parish settings- and then to go onto graduate school many people who knew me were not surprised. A question that I was asked often was “Do you plan to join a monastery or convent?” or “Have you thought about a vocation to the Religious life?”
When Dr. Maathai spoke these lines, I felt my heart skip a beat. There is such a tendency in my tradition that when a woman expresses an interest in matters of theology there is a knee jerk reaction to put her into a convent. That is not to diminish the kind words that others expressed to me. What comes to mind however, it that in order to really know myself is the fact that I do wrestle with that question on several levels. When Dr. Maathai articulated that sentiment, I felt my world come together in a manner of speaking. Such words seemed to validate the conclusions I have drawn about my own vocation and the journey I have been on as a result.

The finished result is one which reminds me of the need to pray. Maybe there should be a continued movement to pray not for vocations to the religious life or priesthood, but for clarity of direction in the lives of those who are choosing to deliberate the direction of their lives.

The Lord is my Shepherd...

The Lord really is my shepherd. I believe this with my whole being. But (did you see that one coming? Yeah, me too!), I know that I am not a very good sheep. This post is not about how much of an individual I am, and ways that I can continue to be an individual within a community.

Rather, I was on retreat this last weekend. I went with two wonderful women, L and D (incidentally, I am G). We were lucky enough- graced, blessed enough to go to a cabin on the North Shore of Lake Superior about 20 miles from Duluth, MN. I took a book with me, The Way of the Heart- By Henri Nouwen. It was wonderful! The book focuses on the wisdom of the Desert Fathers and how these ancient minds approached a life of Christianity within their own modern societies. Fr. Nouwen finds three separate ways to begin this process, Solitude, Silence and Prayer.

Solitude-well, I am not very good at this, but this section of the book made me call into account a previous retreat experience. I went on a silent retreat last summer. I left after two days, instead of staying for my expected 4. I left for several reasons, most of which I related to my personal health. I was sick- and I had been struck with a couple of severe headaches. As I am not much of a pill popper it speaks to the severity of the situation that I would have been relived to have taken some Advil! Fr. Nouwen through the book spoke about the need to give into these moments. When there is not a phone to answer, a computer to tap, tap, tap away on, or an iPod to listen to- when there is just my thoughts, and myself it is no wonder that the rushing silence was deafening! So now the question I have to pose to myself is, can I do the retreat again, fully giving over to the drama of the moments, the silence, and accept the hard work that comes from a personal/private retreat?

The third section of the book was on prayer. This part served as a great reminder to me! There was a several paragraph conversation about how we as a people need to move beyond the thoughts of “ I need to pray” and to do it! Yes, I know that this is not anything new, but I pondered about this. D is trying to become a certified Natural Family Planning trainer. We began a discussion about the several different NFP methods, and one requires that a woman take her temperature before she even gets out of bed. So, then I wondered about taking my “spiritual/prayer” temperature before I got out of bed every morning. I usually remember to end my day with prayer- and you better believe that I remember to eat my evening meal- along with my morning and noon meals as well.

How does it become a continued part of our daily life and structure that prayer remains something to which we attain-strive for? Henri Nouwen suggests it is as simple as just saying, “The Lord is my shepherd,” over and over throughout our day, and before long, that sentiment is buried within our hearts.

Ripping off Band-Aids!

It is such a rare treat for me that I am able to be far enough on top of my game to post more than once in a week!!! (sidenote: as I am writing this post I am listening to Iranian public classical radio! it is fantastic- and I am sporting my new specs!)

What happens when we carry anger and bitterness with us from one place to another? While the question is a bit rhetorical- it has given me some pause for consideration today.
When I first came to Minnesota, I was leaving a position- one that I cherished, but at the same time felt I had grown out of. There had been some personal tribulations that I faced, but for the most part, I really did just want to go and further my own academic career and be more engaged in my own faith and theological understandings. So, when I left, I felt I was leaving one place with a firm foundation in self. About a month before I actually left though, I received a confusing note that alluded to my work performance. I was a bit confused as that had never been a problem previously- or if it was- it was not known to me.
Before that position, I was employed at another place and left that establishment with less than stellar feelings about the town, the people, and the life of working in a church. I just received an email from my mother today who was forwarding an email to me written by a friend from this town. They are looking to hire for their church again, and the gist of a comment was, “We haven’t had a solid person in this position since the blonde (me) was here. She didn’t yell at the kids and was really involved.”
I find it amazing what time and distance will do to heal hurts. I tend to carry my hurts with me. I wear some of them as badges and others are armor. What is the need to continue to protect ourselves from these hurts? Do we think that these protections will truly keep us from being wounded again? I have been on this earth just a short time, but in that time I have adapted myself very well to the American notion of solitary existence. John Donne I think is the man that reminds us that no [hu]man is an island. We are all in this together. So me, protecting my self from hurts is pretty silly. They are going to happen, they are going to be a part of my story, but they won’t be all of my story!

The Journey of Solidarity...

So, I think it would be fair to say that people know I like the word, “solidarity”. It has inhabited a part of my soul for some time now. But when asked what solidarity means to me, I struggle to find an appropriate answer. Does solidarity mean that I understand a plight of a situation? Does it illicit an emotion? Does it hint at a deeper discernment? I think that true solidarity is all of the above questions, and also more.

I became a vegetarian for reasons of solidarity. Meat was such an explicit part of my diet. I grew up in the ranchlands of the plains of North America. My Grandparents sold their ranch in the last 6 years to my uncles. Meat was more than a staple, stable part of my lived experience. It was how I understood food, life, and nourishment. I was speaking about 5 years ago with a woman who had also become a vegetarian for reasons of solidarity. She grew up in the same part of the nation as I did, and had a similar family background. She spoke of the need to be deliberate about food. She mentioned the fact that not everyone does this. I have invested much time and energy into this thinking since changing my diet.
What I come away from this experience with a stronger realization is that I am more committed to remembering others when I eat. What I put into my mouth- flavored by minerals and nutrients from the earth is refreshing, and yet, I also realize is a bit of a treat as well. I have the luxury to be in solidarity. I have the luxury to decide what I will consume and how I will choose to eat.

During the summer I came a different understanding of this all. The men that I was working with were pretty curious about my reasons, granted I didn’t say because of issues of social justice and to reflect a sense of solidarity. The workers were appalled that I would not only refuse to eat carne (beef), but also that I would not even eat pollo (chicken). I found it fascinating that meat is not synonymous with both types of meat.

So what else can I do to be in solidarity? My prayer life is a fundamental aspect of my day, yet, how do I encapsulate such a basic part? Will prayer—the discipline of prayer has the ability to cause such a disruption in my life as my eating habits? What are the prayers of my daily living? How do I encompass this living—this prayer ever day? Is this choice that I make, to pray, to be spiritually healthy, one that I find fulfilling? Satisfying? Is life notoriously going to be fulfilling with or without a life of solidarity and prayer?