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I am a woman who is trying to continue to learn how to be a better person. The purpose of this blog is to help me to articulate my personal response to the world. This blog will allow for reflection, insight, and authentic understanding.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Alienation

This is the midday reflection I gave at prayer on the 15th. I have included the scripture it is in reference to.
Peace!!

October 21, 2008
Tuesday, Twenty-ninth week in Ordinary Time
Reading 1
Brothers and sisters:
 You were at that time without Christ,
 alienated from the community of Israel
 and strangers to the covenants of promise,
 without hope and without God in the world.
 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off
 have become near by the Blood of Christ.

 For he is our peace, he made both one 
and broke down the dividing wall of enmity, through his Flesh, 
abolishing the law with its commandments and legal claims,
 that he might create in himself one new person in place of the two,
 thus establishing peace,
 and might reconcile both with God,
 in one Body, through the cross,
 putting that enmity to death by it.
 He came and preached peace to you who were far off
 and peace to those who were near,
 for through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father.

 So then you are no longer strangers and sojourners,
 but you are fellow citizens with the holy ones
 and members of the household of God, 
built upon the foundation of the Apostles and prophets,
 with Christ Jesus himself as the capstone.
 Through him the whole structure is held together 
and grows into a temple sacred in the Lord;
 in him you also are being built together
 into a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.


Do you have any powerful memories of something that happened when you were in kindergarten? Chances are, if you do, they will be of moments when you were very happy, very sad, very loved, or very frightened, or as St. Paul said in our reading today, moments when you felt far off or felt very near. Here's one of my kindergarten moments I was walking home from kindergarten one particular day when it was very, VERY windy. I remember clutching the door to an area business when all of a sudden it swung open! There was a big barreling man towering over me. I remember being a bit starteled, so I looked at the really ugly green carpet. He said, “I know who you are, I will take you home. Let’s go.” I couldn’t think of anything to say, but I just knew that my tummy was rolling for some reason. He drove me home in a really ugly brown car. I ran into the house to find my mom vacuuming the carpet and telling me to pack because us girls were going to stay with our grandparents that weekend. Tonight was supposed to be fun! I was going to be with Grandma and Grandpa Mougey- there would be great food- TV and really exciting games like kings in a corner, and Chinese Checkers! This was a guaranteed good time! I paused for a moment, and knew that if I told my mom I took a ride with a stranger, I would be in trouble, so I decided not to.
When it was time for dinner, we all sat down: the three girls and my grandparents. Scrambled egg sandwiches. I was going to be sick. My tummy ache from the car ride never went away. Grandpa told me to go and lie on the couch and rest for a bit. So I did, he came out and asked me what was wrong. I began to cry and told him that I had done something wrong, something that I knew I wasn’t supposed to do, but had done it anyways! I took a ride with a stranger.

Since that night in Kindergarten, I have had other experiences in my life in which I have felt really bad. I had done something wrong. As an adult, I call this alienation. Alienation comes to people in a variety of ways. For me, it came in this story when I did something that I knew was wrong, and continued by not telling my mom when I came home. Some people are challenged to stand up for what they believe in and are alienated for their strong convictions. Some people experience alienation from others by distance or inability to communicate. The main ingredient of alienation though is isolation- being separated. We can choose to continue on this path to alienation by focusing in unhealthy ways on those times in our lives when we have distanced ourselves from God’s loving embrace, and from those who embody God’s loving embrace in our daily lives.
Alienation brings up other points of concern. Alienation, while involving a central character generally brings others into grief. It is in this way that alienation is also communal. We reject those around us; we are so immersed in our own personal challenges that we forget to look at those around us who are on this journey as well. Paul calls them the “Holy Ones”. The immersion that one succumbs to in alienation is an issue of safety. We do not go out on long journeys by ourselves with out at least telling someone. It is not safe. Why would we question the road to God as being a singular experience, a journey for one? In alienating ourselves from places we belong, we sound an alarm to those around us. It is this alarm that encourages Paul to write his epistle to the Ephesians.

Paul reminds the Ephesians that we are separated right now- but there is desire to be unified with one another in our communities and with the relational, Triune God Paul glorifies in the reading. We are to create our selves anew, and to replace our older, torn versions of self. Have we done this? Have we mended our hearts from the bitterness that can creep into our lives from disappointment? Have we looked to those around us and offered help? Have we asked for help? What this will look like is different for every one. For some it is a bag of M&M’s, for others it is a call from a family member who shared some disappointing news. Regardless of what form mending comes from, it brings about relief or its own peace.
But it is not always as easy or simple as M&Ms or a phone call. Paul is encouraging the Ephesians to remember that through their (and our) belief in Jesus, and Jesus’ relationship with the other members of the Trinity, we can truly begin to understand the impact of relationships. Peace comes in relationships when encounter Christ in and with each other. There is a potential for relief in the sharing of pains and false expectations, hurts and sadness. But the wandering comes to an end- our journey finds a more distinct path. The fog isn’t so dense. We continue on our way to constant conversion and transformation, "moving in the same direction that we are, holy ones who can "bring us near when we feel far off because our relationship with them brings us to peace."

So what does peace look like when alienation has been left behind on a journey?
For me, at 6 it began with my Grandpa holding me telling me he was glad I was safe! Peace continued when my mother wrapped her arms around me and hugged me so tight the next night. How to be safe, how we can be brought beyond alienation when others embrace us with the peace of Christ is how we walk with “holy ones” on our journey.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Forgiveness...

Forgiveness…what does this mean? What does this call forth? Why is it so damn hard?
The more that I have forgiven, and the more I have sought forgiveness from others- (one outweighs the others) the more I have been stumped by forgiveness. I had an ah-ha moment about a month ago on retreat in which I came to understand that true forgiveness is not a moment, but rather a continual process.
What happens when I have to forgive my church? Should it be perfect and therefore not in need of my forgiveness as a representative of the community? Should I be seeking forgiveness for thinking thoughts that are not always charitable to my church? If the church is the “Bride of Christ” (a phrase that I more often than not cringe when I hear), shouldn’t she know better than to treat people the way she does? Is it enough to know that it is not the church- but the agents that are acting through the community that are in need of my forgiveness?
I asked a woman once why she stays as a contributing member of the church which continually finds ways to limit her contributions, the contributions of gay/lesbian to name a couple. Her answer was, “ It is in my makeup-it’s a part of me-its who I am.” Ok- I can identify with that. I certainly feel that way as well, but I wonder about circumstances when the body rejects certain parts of its make up. What happens when a bone gets broken and has to be pinned or set- or even removed? Is the church like that as well? Is there a way to remove the church then? Or what if it is like an immune deficiency disease where the body will attack itself at a chromosomal level? What is the recourse for such predicaments?
How do I continue to live an authentic existence and contribute in ways that are real when I face such a struggle in my identity as a Catholic woman? There is so much beauty and tragedy that faces the church on any given day. Maybe that is why there is such a need for forgiveness.
Peace.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Authentic Madness


It is no secret to those who know me that I am a bit of a fan of Jane Austen, her writing, her characters, and her stories have always delighted me. One of my favorite characters is Fanny Price from the novel Mansfield Park. Whenever Fanny is facing a difficult choice or point that requires contemplation (in the movie) she will often say,

“Run mad as often as you choose, but do not faint.”

I was watching the movie again this weekend and heard this comment in a different way than I had previously. “Mad” in this setting—for my interpretation means crazy- not committed. There can be a frantic tone to the atmosphere, but “mad” is a great Austenian term that reflects the craziness of life in general.

My life seems to every once in awhile act “mad” on its own accord, and I have no choice but to be “mad” within my own response to life. Some madness encourages destructive forces, while others encourages a range of emotions that I would die without. Madness is how I sometimes know that I am alive-breathing- a part of the greater universe. Madness encourages desires for what I know I want- companionship, love, friendship, wine, conversation, laughter. It also shows me what I may not always want- the feelings that are a part of the human experience that are painful-tears, sorrow, jealousy, insecurity, lust, depression.

Interestingly enough, we as humans can go through a day experiencing a range of these emotions in one day. Some people may shy away from such “erratic” ranges, I on the other hand look to my feelings to show me that I am still here on this planet and engaged in my surroundings. These feelings, the emotions serve as a reminder that I am here. Having dealt with my own depression- I know that when I don’t feel is when I am in trouble. Feeling is what senses energy for me. I exercise when I am upset- or ecstatic. (Since my ankle is healing this has been happening with greater frequency!!) I eat when I am by myself enjoying my own company but also when I share intimate moments with a friend, or a group of friends.

But remember- don’t stop-DO NOT faint! There is much in life when enough pause is given, that it can seem overwhelming and destructive-intimidating. Do not faint- Keep going! My father is fond of pointing out that “If you are going through hell, keep going. You might get out before the devil even knows you were there.” I think that was made into a country song a couple of years ago. Or as my mother would say, “Honey, keep your head up!” (What can I say, my parents are the best!- wise, generous, honest, loving and a bit mad in their own way!!)

So, run mad- be mad-be alive, BE!

Make your own stories!

Don’t stop! DO NOT faint!

Have faith!

Express your living in ways that reflect your heart!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Words of Wisdom


I had the pleasure of listening to Dr. Wangari Maathia- the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize Recipient. She was awarded the Dignitas Humanea award- the highest honor from Saint John’s School of Theology•Seminary. There were many wise words that she imparted to the crowd- and yet I will highlight just a few.

“Most great people fall on untrodden ground.”

Our scriptures tell many of such stories, of men and women who continually fall. Whether their fall is due to their own inconsistencies, or if their fall is at the hand of another-nonetheless great people fall. But, the point of Dr. Maathai’s words is that the place where we fall is just as important. The untrodden ground also has a bearing in our scriptures. The sower throws seeds in many directions- some could even venture that it would be untrodden ground. This prompts reflection- “What kind of ground am I walking on? Am I forging a path that is unique to my experience?” Now, having questioned, I must put some disclaimer’s into the reflection. I do not mean to imply that my path will be unique- but rather, is it unique to my understanding? The other disclaimer- uniqueness should not imply a movement outside of the base of a community. Community should be at the heart of one’s experience.

“I did not go into the nunnery, but what you see is the nun in me.”

The next quote was one that I held close. When I decided to pursue ministry in parish settings- and then to go onto graduate school many people who knew me were not surprised. A question that I was asked often was “Do you plan to join a monastery or convent?” or “Have you thought about a vocation to the Religious life?”
When Dr. Maathai spoke these lines, I felt my heart skip a beat. There is such a tendency in my tradition that when a woman expresses an interest in matters of theology there is a knee jerk reaction to put her into a convent. That is not to diminish the kind words that others expressed to me. What comes to mind however, it that in order to really know myself is the fact that I do wrestle with that question on several levels. When Dr. Maathai articulated that sentiment, I felt my world come together in a manner of speaking. Such words seemed to validate the conclusions I have drawn about my own vocation and the journey I have been on as a result.

The finished result is one which reminds me of the need to pray. Maybe there should be a continued movement to pray not for vocations to the religious life or priesthood, but for clarity of direction in the lives of those who are choosing to deliberate the direction of their lives.