About Me

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I am a woman who is trying to continue to learn how to be a better person. The purpose of this blog is to help me to articulate my personal response to the world. This blog will allow for reflection, insight, and authentic understanding.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

days...

I am back in Nebraska for Christmas. In my time here- I have been back since the 18th, I have had many laughs and have shed some tears as well.

My family, I think is a close one. We spend time together and enjoy these moments of life and energy wit hone another. I have enjoyed a certain kind of warm connection with extended family as well. Most of my family lives in North Dakota. Every summer growing up, we-the Nebraskans would drive up to North Dakota for vacation. We would play with cousins, have camp outs, and really, just enjoy our time. My oldest cousin was Michael. We found out today that he died in a hunting accident yesterday, but wasn't found until today. MIchael is a beautiful man with three equally beautiful and talented children. He was the oldest of 7 children.

During the season of waiting- I ask for your continued prayers as his family waits to gather together for his funeral.

Peace

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Joseph...


Winter has finally made it to my soul. That is not a depressing comment (when the wind howls in my mind then we can be worried). Growing up on the plains of Nebraska, we had mountains on one side- about 275 miles away so there was not a lot of protection from the Rockies. When winter would blow in, there was snow for days. I remember it snowing on my birthday one year-late September. I also remember it snowing on my first Holy Communion- the last week of April.

I miss the snow in DC- though from what I hear it is a good thing that it does not come often here as people have struggles with driving and snow. But the chill and crisp air of snow and winter is something that I sorely miss. There was always something about the fact that walking outside at times could literally take your breath away. Once I would make it to my car, I could see about the snow, was there any new stuff? Did the plow try to block me in a driveway?

The season of Advent is supposed to be filled with anticipation. I get tastes and flavors of anticipation everyday, it comes with the responsibility of being one of the most impatient people I know. But last year as I watched one of my nearest and dearest struggle with her husband to get pregnant, there was a tinge of bittersweet mixed in with my advent. They had been trying for some time. It was finals week of the fall semester and L leaned over in a class and told me she hadn’t been feeling well, and I smiled and said, “Hmmm.” Her response was, “Yeah right!” As we were in the middle of Christology I think she referred to something about her prosopon, which a year ago I knew what that meant and laughed, but now I can’t recall. Anyways, the point is that I watched her and F struggle with trying to reconcile what they wanted for themselves as a couple and what God wanted for them. I sat with her in her tears, and wept by myself and prayed. I remember feeling so helpless- there is nothing I could do, except what I was, and an occasional trip to the Local Blend- the local coffee shop who had come to know both of us well over those three years.

As I was writing this, I began to wonder, is this what Joseph went through? Watching someone he love struggle so heart wrenchingly to answer a call? Mary’s motherhood was a part of her vocation as much as L’s is (Baby S is now 4 months!!) Joseph was an amazing man- yet he sometimes comes across as the “off-handed afore-mentioned man who shall not be named”. I guess that is what happens sometimes. When we work towards something that really isn’t ours to begin with. We have to be willing to accept that there is nothing to tie us to this endeavor. I believe that the next time and last time Joseph is mentioned in the Gospel stories is when Jesus is lost in the temple. His parents claim their excitement and worry, and Jesus’ response is to sass back (oh to be 12 again!). I have yet to meet little S, so it seems that my advent has been since August. I tried to get there right after his birth, but it was too soon to see him, and now it looks like January will be when Christmas will finally come for me- and as it will be in MN- I hope that there will be snow!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Baby Skates, Baby Jesus and Salsa-What a Combination!


I was having dinner with a friend of mine and we were talking at length about what our favorite Christmas memories were growing up. I was regaling him with stories about what a Mougey Christmas looked like, and what it meant.

My favorite and perhaps most formative Christmas memory happened to me when I was only five. I was supposed to be in bed, but had gotten up and both my parents were laying on the floor in the living room looking up at the tree and talking, laughing and well, just being adults. I remember the feeling as I approached their figures on the floor. I remember that it was during the middle of the week, and my dad was still there, which was unusual because he was/is working out of town a lot. It was a special time. I imagine that in the whole scheme of things my parents were probably talking about how to pay for Christmas and all that kind of boring adult stuff. One of them saw me and called me over. I went and lay in between them on the floor. I remember knowing how special this time was even in that moment. My brother was not even a figment of anyone’s imagination at this point, so I was the middle of three little girls- and to have such time – precious time with my parents all to myself was rare!! My mom and I had our heads resting on my dad’s arm and I was wrapped tightly in my mother’s embrace. We talked about what I wanted for Christmas. Baby Jesus must have been listening because I got Baby Skates that year!!!

I was talking with my friend also about the language of Christmas. We, my siblings and I were not encouraged to believe in Santa Clause, but rather it was Baby Jesus who delivered toys and presents to us on Christmas because he wanted to make sure that we knew how very special his birthday was! What that meant was that Baby Jesus (my dad) delivered the stockings and my parents bought our Christmas presents. My dad would be helping in the kitchen with dinner and the grandparents would have the grandkids entertained and distracted in the living room. My dad would sneak out the back door of the house, around the side of the house to the front porch and drop off the stockings filled with all kinds of good and wonderful things. He would hurry back around to the back of the house. As soon as he would walk in the back door, my mom would come out of the kitchen exclaiming that she thought she had heard something on the front porch… “Maybe Baby Jesus dropped something. One of your girls go and see if Baby Jesus left something out there!” We of course would make a mad dash for a glimpse of Baby Jesus. My dad in the meantime would be thawing out in the kitchen eating some turkey.

I was laughing as I was telling my friend Adam about all this, and how being raised knowing that it was Baby Jesus had brought our gifts rather Santa had always been an interesting dynamic for us as kids growing up.

The other part I remember about Christmas is also a Dad memory. On Christmas Eve, we would of course have a big meal and when the food was all put away, my dad would get tomatoes, paprika and tobasco out. He would then begin to make homemade salsa. I remember that us girls were watching him very intently and then asked, “What are you doing Dad?” “Makin’ salsa for tonight,” was the response. After an audible gasp from three little girls he looked up at us (we were on the counter) and he said, “What’s wrong?” “Is that for Baby Jesus?” was the question back. Thinking quick, he said, “Yes! Yes, I am going to leave this out for Baby Jesus tonight! Won’t that be great?” Looking back I can just imagine the wheels turning! He thought he had managed to “trick” or at least throw the girls off track. Not so fast Dad! “But Daddy, Baby Jesus is a baby! He can’t have anything spicy!!!”

We were told to go and finish watching Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas or to go to bed.

May the spirit of waiting for Baby Jesus continue to fill your hearts and your days!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

is it simply complex? or just simple?


“There is a way to know if God is near us or far away: everyone who is concerned about the hungry, about the naked, about the poor, about the disappeared, about the tortured, about the prisoner, about all the flesh that is suffering, will find God near…” Oscar Romero

Advent is a liturgical season that has always carried significant weight for me since I was a little girl. Every night we- my family would gather around our advent wreath, placed on a 1920’s antique radio. We would say our prayers to God, acknowledging that we were waiting and anticipating the birth of Jesus. I grew up hearing about the “root of Jesse” or “the shoot of Jesse”. After prayers we would get a children’s book that told the Old Testament story of the day highlighting the Israelites story as they journey with YHWh attempting to live in right relationship. I remember that the names were really hard and ridiculous sometimes. My favorites though were the story of Ruth and Naomi and Queen Esther.

I wonder if Archbishop Romero was able to identify with the Israelites when he would see the plight of the men, women and children that he led? They were the “original” naked, hungry, poor and tortured. One of the most incredible points of Romero’s life (I am NOT in any way or shape an expert but have a vague familiarity with him) was that he was considered a non-threat by the church, he was complacent with his place. He was going to be just a quiet bishop eating in his rectory, sipping his wine and attending right parties with right patrons. Yet, he allowed himself to stray and become a part of the story of the shoot of Jesse for today.

His passion for people is what led to his murder. He decided that it was necessary to step outside his comfort zone and challenge the status quo. He did the same things that the Israelites had done for centuries trying to establish and reestablish right relationship with YHWH. Did he know that he was a leader? Obviously he didn’t do all of his work for the notoriety that he has since received.

I sometimes wonder if it is that simple. To just serve and not wonder about the daily toils that come with living in the world. The Israelites had bills. The men and women of El Salvador have bills and face deeper consequences than I will probably ever know in my life- but is it really just as simple as doing the right thing? I know the answer is a bit ridiculous-but really?...

Is it simple enough for me to want to live as Ruth and Naomi did- to live in community and follow one another and trust the rightness of someone else’s vision? Is it simple enough to be able to stand up to evil people who want to harm my brothers and sisters as Queen Esther did? These are complicated and complex questions- but aren’t they also simple? Is that how we find that God is near?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

my yoke is heavy...

The picture is one of my favs from my time in Phoenix. My friends are off to the side while I was chattin' with Bill. The guy at the next table thought I was a freak- but I was more than ok with that. I miss you all!!!!


I have had an interesting week to say the least- and it is only Wednesday. I know it has been a drastic amount of time since I have written consistently. I find it starteling sometimes how much I need to function out of a sense of order. I spent the last weekend cleaning the apartment I am living in and the apartment I will be moving all my stuff to after Christmas. It was a cleaning to rival every Dickens novel, except I was not a twelve year old orphan. Yet, the apartment is clean, sparse and mine! (and Molly’s too- she is my housemate).

The week started out with a clash of symbols bringing about a pause of forgiveness. With that finished, my week kinda opened up. I went shopping for some things for the apartment with a friend and I decided I needed a hands-free plug for phone (as I now don’t have a car, it makes sense to finally purchase one). While we were in the store looking for one a woman approached me as I was selecting the cheapest option to buy and said she would give me one. I was taken aback for several reasons. We were shopping in an area of DC not known for its welcoming nature or hospitality. Now, I am not saying that it isn’t there- I have had nice times and welcoming times in West Hyattsville, but I had never had a woman approach me to give me an item. She went to her car and came back with the hands free unit. I looked at my friend A. and he just kinda shrugged his shoulder with a “sketch” look on his face.

When we got back to the car we both kinda processed what that was about. Was it a woman just being friendly? Trying to share what she had? A woman embodying the reality of living in and helping others with their needs. There is a saying- I can’t remember who, but it states, if you have two coats, you have stolen from your poor brother or sister. Was she attempting to live out this call? In turn, I had to process why I couldn’t just accept this gift from this woman who was being nice. There was such deep hesitation and resistance in taking this gift- freely given. I have no problem giving gifts to those that I deem need them- need me! Yet, I suffer from the idea that someone would want to help me?

I wonder if this is what Jesus was talking about in the gospel for today. He tells us to take his yoke- the burden is easier because he will bear it with us. Was the woman at the store bearing some of my burden? Was I bearing hers?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Resolution

"you repent not by feeling bad but by thinking differently" ~Rudy Wiebe

It is the second week of Advent- my favorite season- liturgically and weather wise. This is the time of the year when the snow is supposed to blanket the earth, to wrap the land in a shawl of white. There is something holy in being surrounded and protected by such a cold element.

Advent is a time in which reconciliation doesn't get much play- but I think (and many would agree) that reconciliation plays an incredible part in the spirit and movement of the season. On my walk to work this morning I was recalling a time when I was in college and one of my best friends had hurt me and I had called him out. He apologized in a very sincere manner, and then very abruptly he clapped his hands together and cried out, "Let the healing begin!!" Needless to say it was not this big pivotal healing moment that I expected once he had made such an announcement.

On my walk I was thinking about how it is so much easier to be patient when external "owies" are being healed. We know not to pick at the scab. We know that there needs to be a balance of air and moisture to promote the right amount of protection on the scab. But when the hurt is internal it is much harder to gauge about how to allow the healing to take place. It is a delicate process. Not enough care leaves a person brittle, easily broken and unyielding. Too much care leaves a person a puddle of goo.

This is one of the profound measures we can find in this season of Advent. There is a need for honest reflection on hurts and misunderstandings, there is time to closeup wounds left open, there is a need to allow mends to be made.

Call it what you want, resolution, healing, reconciliation- I call it holy.

Peace and patience to you.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Scriptures....

2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have past away; behold, all things have become new.”

I am staying the weekend two blocks from my apartment, at a Franciscan Monastery. In the room there is a really corny picture with this scripture below. I was getting ready this morning and read it, and it kept coming back to me through my day. I was spending time at breakfast, visiting with people and moving through my day and enjoying my evening with this quote racing through my head. I began to examine all of the new creations my life has taken on in the last five years. I have moved several times to ensure a better placement in my life for me, ongoing formation, and made several friends whom I would call close.

There are times when I am terrified of new- but as in all things, my Mom would call it my impulsive nature- I jump in, and then make the most of the situation I am in. This has served me in the past to an extent, and continues to be a general operating mode. Sometimes I think I make the most of these decisions when others are still processing, and I proceed forward to embrace what I believe is my call and people are still hopping aboard the Mougey express. What has changed my process recently is my own discernment process. Regardless of my extroverted nature- I process interiorly rather quickly, frame my thoughts with others to gauge the authenticity of God’s call in my life.

What does it mean to be a new creation founded in Christ? Christ suffered and died for all. Our own old life is sent away and redeemed through our life and dedication to all that is new. Life continues to move forward into a new existence. Relationships change and take on new meaning when the old understandings are put behind they are challenged to become new. There is a balance that much be achieved. Obviously balance is an idea or ideal that I continue to incorporate in my daily life, sometimes I do better than others.

I believe that this seeking of balance is one of the main reasons I have been attracted to Benedictine spirituality through my life. There is always a need for me to understand the yin and yang of life, of crossing lines that are terrifying, of embracing gifts when they are truly free. I think that there is a lot for me to continue to explore about balance, but there are moments of pure delight when I think I may see it beyond the horizon. Those are the days when I recognize the new creation of Christ within me. Old past hurts and decisions are abated and tenderness of an all embracing God surround me and challenge me to love and live in authenticity.

I am able to keep the promise I made to myself last year. I will be traveling to Fort Benning Georgia again this year to take part in the 20th annual SOA vigil. I will be able to meet new friends and those dear to me at this vigil- though my one sadness is that my brother will not be there as he is currently stationed abroad. I will be praying for him, all who are currently serving in any military and for peace. It will continue to be a deliberate endeavor on my part.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dynamics...

What happens when relationships change? What happens when dynamics and new ideas replace older more staid understandings of life? These are just some of the questions I am wrestling with right now. Having moved such a significant distance away from people I love and have grown to know in very specific ways I wonder what implications that leaves for our own ways of interacting with others. Does it make us braver? Does it ensure that we approach new aspects the same old way? I don’t know that I have the answers to any of these questions aso much as I am still wringing them around in my head.

Even with all the changes in the last four months, my constant has been to always be engaged and moving in a reality of transformation. What that transformation will look like, I don’t know, but I do know that I am called to be open. I am called to respond, it is my yes that I must attend to. It is with that in mind that I am so excited to go to the 20th annual SOA Vigil. For those who know me, it is a significant part of my understanding of peace, involvement and transformation. I hope to see my friends there.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Catholicism at its Best:

I was at the Roosevelt Memorial and was struck by how moving these words were, and how they are able to resonate even today!
The life of a Catholic person who is attempting to be deliberate, who is attempting to be peaceful is sometimes tricky. Yet, that is what it means to be Catholic- right- to be based in a universal mindset- to be able to engage the "both/and" to move beyond an "either/or" mind set. That is the trick

I went to an event here in DC at one of the Catholic Worker houses with my new good friends, Molly and her beau Tobias (both very lovely people). We were watching the new documentary Rethink Afghanistan. It was a good movie, which had a good premise and had filmed some intense footage and made some good points in the movie. I found a couple of the points troubling however. Let me share them now…
• While I do believe that President Obama has made some campaign promises, I do believe that it would be prudent to allow the man some time to attend to some of the promises he made. In this video the producers seemed to be blaming President Obama for the fact that the US is currently involved in a war in the Middle East. What I find disturbing is that the US has been involved in this war for the last 7-8 years. I would venture to say that it was the agenda of the previous administration that took the US into a war mentality and promoted an agenda of war.
• There was also a person who took part in the discussion whom I found to be violently non-violent. This person’s voice trembled with anger when they spoke, there was such an edge of bitterness and an absolutist tone of finality in speech. I really began to wonder about the ability to compromise. This is a tricky spot I know- I am not pro-war, I do not believe in violence in any shape and try so very hard not to live a life in which reflects this strong stance. Sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed. What I do find imperatives though, is the need to ensure that there is always room for dialogue. I find that this best takes place when a person is open and has an ability to bring about informed discussion (I struggle with that piece as well).
So, with those points in mind I could not help but to think about a man whom I know very well. We lived together or 18 years who is currently stationed in Iraq. I do not believe that he is misguided, I do not believe that he is trying to harm people. I believe that he is doing what he thinks is best to be of service to men and women and children in this world. Do I agree with his methodology-no, but I appreciate his determination to be of service. Happy birthday Joel- I love you!a

Monday, September 21, 2009

ReFeshing and ReFurbishing






My time in DC has been filled with much for me to contemplate. With a month gone- I have been a bit overwhelmed, nervous, upset, and somewhat happy. Overall I forgot that I was in the midst of huge upheaval and transition. I was overwhelmed by all of these “things” these emotions and thought I was going crazy to an extent. Things were not/ are not perfect like they were in Minnesota. I had friends there that I had solid relationships with. I was able to be outside when it was dark and not be nervous that I was by myself. I didn’t have to worry about whether I had locked the door in St. Joe- much less double lock the doors. There is much to adjust to, and I need to remember to allow myself the time to adjust as necessary.


This last weekend for me was amazing! I was able to participate in a retreat that was focusing on the integration of mind, body, and the spirit-which for those who don’t know was the focus of my integration seminar. There were four presentations throughout the weekend, in addition to time to spend by myself, outside, in solitude and also with some of the other retreat participants. It was great! The director of the retreat works at the same place that I do, and after the retreat he took me to the Billy Goat Trail which is a trail that follows the Potomac River. We walked on the Maryland side of the river. It was glorious- outside of the fact that my ankle started to bother me. The pictures are from my trip with Tom on the trail- as he said in the email- it is a bit hard to believe that it was only half an hour from D.C.


I remembered several things during my retreat. I remembered that I love to walk- whether it is around a neighborhood, or on a track. So now, after work I am going to try to walk every day for an hour. It will allow for some sustained exercise in addition to great outdoor activity while keeping me away from digital cable. I also remembered how much I love to write- poetry-journaling- notetaking- anything that requires that I put pen to paper. It is a beautiful and creative expression that I enjoy fully!


My work is starting to take off. I am getting ready to go on the road- I will be speaking to a parish in Pennsylvania in October. I am hoping that will give me some of the pastoral work I need to be involved with, be it outreach or sacramental prep. Most of my work is administrative, but I am looking forward to the time when I will be able to be as creative as I can be and find the work as fulfilling as I would like it to be.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Moving on...


Life if DC…

Well, I have been here in the nation’s capitol for about two weeks now. My work has been very busy and very fulfilling for these last two weeks. I anticipate that it will continue to be such.
My first week was pretty much a whirlwind in that I arrived on the 16th. The woman that I am living with-Sr. Sharon picked me up at the airport. I settled into my living quarters that first night rather quickly, it was a good thing too, because I began work at 9 that Monday morning. Whew!!!

I participated in a few activities throughout the week, but really didn’t venture too far away from the apartment during the evenings simply because I wanted to make sure that I had a rudimentary understanding of the area before I ventured too far. Friday of my first week was pretty unusual because one of my instructor’s was being sworn in as the new ambassador to the Holy See. It was a wonderful celebration and incredible day to participate. I met lots of wonderful people and did some great networking for my job. Saturday I went to several memorials on the mall with a group from the swearing-in. That night I went to my cousins new home in south east DC. The last week was much more subdued, and I was able to “relax” a bit more into my new job.
The biggest adjustment for me is the humidity. I have never lived in a place where I felt that humidity was sooo oppressive. It seems like the humidity is about 85% if not higher! I am able to walk to work which is really nice, it is a one mile walk each way- so it takes around 15-20 minutes depending on when I hit the traffic lights.

I have kind of been feeling a bit out of sorts, more to do with the need to set up a routine of spiritual formation- I am really missing spiritual direction, and REALLY missing my spiritual companioning group and the theological reflection. I am hoping to make some connections in the next couple weeks to reestablish those habits and to have the practices in place here in DC. One of the really amazing parts of my job is that I am able to attend daily liturgy at the Paulist Center.

This week promises to keep the pace of the previous two- with the exception that I continue to grow more and more confident in my place here in DC.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Time is moving at a pace...



Complacency…
My time since graduation has been a bit tumultuous to say the least. For those who don’t know, I am no longer going to Africa at this time. Due to events in my past it was discerned that it would not be good for me to be by myself for such a project with no support system. While I agree with the decision, I have spent some time grieving this loss as well. Yet I feel that this is the beauty of the discernment process. If God has nothing but my best interests at heart, then I am more than willing to defer to the goodness and protection of “my rock and my refuge”.

Having said that, there have been some exciting movements as well. I am in the middle of a “big job hunt” now. With this current discernment I am looking for jobs that will support and uphold my decision to “be in mission” in some aspect. I continue to marvel at how I view mission and the notion of global solidarity in a very different way at this point in my life. I have a deep desire to continue to make global solidarity and mission a life forming focus.

I have struggled with complacency in the last month and a half. I have developed some poor habits in the short time away from a regimented schedule of academia. I am hopeful that I can invest in a more deliberate life away from TV (I apparently felt the need to catch up on three missed years of TV watching in one month), and place myself back in the form of prayer, reading, light movie watching, and good conversations with friends and tea-time with myself.

Some of the big moments so far this summer have been:
• The wedding- my older sister was married in June. I was able to see my entire family-including my brother who will be sent overseas in August. My parents and sister went to the Holocaust Museum the day of the shooting. It was an event-filled week.
• I celebrated the 4th of July in Duluth, MN with great friends (essentially my other family). Josh and Star are some of my best friends- it is always wonderful to connect with them and to see Josh’s family!
• I also reconnected with an instructor from my first summer at the SOT. It was wonderful to visit with her again and “catch up”. She is so insightful and energizing. She reminded me of the need to write. As this also just came up in a spiritual direction session I think God is “beating me upside the head with a bouquet of flowers”.
• I also got to visit with some dear friends in the last couple of months- John Mark and I spent last weekend together at a family wedding for his family—LOVELY!!
• I went to the rodeo a couple weekends ago with a group of other friends- and since I had the most “rodeo experience” I somehow ended up as the “resident expert” explaining events and the goals of each event-(this is proof of God’s incredible sense of humor) It was a great time nonetheless!!!
• I went to Chicago for a regional conference and was able to meet up with “old” friends and make new connections! What a full summer so far!!

So my thoughts for the summer are to continue to find a full regiment for my life, integrating prayer, personal writing, blogging, and friends into a life of deep personal contentment. Blessings on your day!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Summer Cleaning

Psalm 51:1-13
Have mercy on me, God, in your goodness; in your abundant compassion blot out my offense.
Wash away all my guilt; from my sin cleanse me.
For I know my offense; my sin is always before me.

Against you alone have I sinned; I have done such evil in your sight That you are just in your sentence, blameless when you condemn.

True, I was born guilty, a sinner, even as my mother conceived me.
Still, you insist on sincerity of heart; in my inmost being teach me wisdom.
Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure; wash me, make me whiter than snow.

Let me hear sounds of joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Turn away your face from my sins; blot out all my guilt.

A clean heart create for me, God; renew in me a steadfast spirit.
Do not drive me from your presence, nor take from me your holy spirit.
Restore my joy in your salvation; sustain in me a willing spirit.



I was reading this psalm this morning before beginning my day at work- and I was reminded how vividly God calls each of us to our relationship with one another and with God. Right relationship is a major theme in the Old Testament. The Israelites struggled with their relationship with God over and over. I have been struggling in the last couple of months in my relationship with God. I had moved away from thinking of my relationship with God as I would any other relationship. My relationships take time, investment, curiosity, generosity, kindness, and selflessness. God asks all of this and more every day. Some day’s I can be the person God is asking of me, some day’s I fall short. Most often, I find myself somewhere in between.

I spent the first part of my week with a man who is amazing to me. I am reminded over and over when I am in his presence what a treat it is to be in right relationship with others. I see God in his eyes, the compassion, tenderness and genuine concern that he shows to others is wonderful, but also a treat to receive. Through our conversations we discussed the very intimate nature of right relationships, and Psalm 51 was a refrain that was playing over and over in my mind. What a gift.

What are the gifts of right relationship that you find in your life today?
Is there a person who exhibits right relationship to you?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Reflection...

I wrote this reflection to share at our Thursday morning prayer. Due to a mix-up someone else preached. I had already prepared this reflection and figured I would post it on the blog anyways.

Matthew 7:1-8
1 "Stop judging, that you may not be judged.
2 For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you. 3 Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove that splinter from your eye,' while the wooden beam is in your eye? 5 You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye. 6 "Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces. 7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.


As has happened in many of my relationships with others, since I have been attending school at St. John’s I have become the unofficial spokesperson for all things Catholic and theological. Any time a statement is issued I am able to guarantee an influx of calls from family and friends wanting me to explain certain aspects of the statement. Questions are a good thing- they are beneficial to our development and understanding of humanity. The hard part is figuring out what the answer is. But it seems to me that the easiest way to answer questions about theology is to direct the questioner to a book that will provide one argument for one point of the question. I really don’t like this, in fact I readily state, “The last thing I need is one more book to read!” (please take note that I am a book-a-phile!)

I was taken aback with how a conversation progressed. It was in the middle of a conversation on Sunday with one of my best friends and he was asking me some questions about Catholicism. As a former Catholic himself he knew how to spin certain parts of the Catholic tradition to make it ridiculous to make his point. (Please remember that I have no problem pointing out what I find ridiculous-but Josh can take this to a new level!) In order to make my point, I uttered some words that I don’t know I would have said three years ago. I said, “Josh, there is a great book that you should read!”. His response was to say in exasperation, “Why is it that whenever I ask you a question you always tell me to read a book?” Well, what a rude awakening!
Talk about needing to remove a forest from my eyes!!!!

This is one of the most difficult parts of the Christian message for me. The daily living- or calling out to attend to my own struggles is hardest for me. I am not perfect and readily recognize this fact- but I do like to think that I am aware of my statements!

The last two verses about knocking, asking, receiving have never really struck me as Lenten verses. But as I continued to meditate on this scripture- I began to wonder what would happen to people who claim to be Christians if they asked for the courage to be honest with themselves? That is really the claim in the reading- we need to be honest about how we are, how we interact with others- and not just the people that we know- or those that build us up. We need to be honest enough to be with those that we find challenging, those that don’t always build us up-or those that we struggle to build up.

Friday, February 6, 2009

walking...



The white is startling right now. I spent the morning and early afternoon at a retreat, and it got up to 40 today so I decided to spend some time outside. I was an absolutely gorgeous day!!! I wanted to make sure that I walked on the lake- Lake Sagatagan at some point this winter. I ventured out there for the first time first semester of the 2007. My friend Laura went with me. This year my friend Natalie went. We had a great time. It was amazing to venture out across the lake, to walk where just four to five months ago I had swam in the crisp cool refreshing water.

There is a good thick ice right now. But, we couldn’t really get a clear view of the ice except for where the ice fishers had been. There is so much snow over every inch of the lake. It is gorgeous.

We walked across the lake to the Chapel of Stella Maris. One picture show the chapel, and the other is of the main stain glass window. It is a hidden treasure. During the other three months, it is a good trek (not really a walk, but less intense than a hike) through the dense forest to get to the chapel.

The retreat focused on the idea that we are ministers in transition. We (those who atteneded) are getting ready to graduate with our degrees, and hoping to go out and face the world, the depth of looking for ministry in many different avenues and hoping to embody the message of Christ and his justice.

Monday, February 2, 2009

stuck in a rut...


This picture exemplifies for me the lived reality of ruts in minnesota- out of snow!!! i took the picture last winter when a friend and I decided to walk across the frozen lake- I will be doing that again tomorrow!

I have generally been fascinated by the definitions or meanings that we give out to words. Rut is a word that I have been thinking about for several days- I am in a bit of a rut right now. But, when I think about rut, I tend to think about a ditch, or some such location- on the side of the road… it is not typical for me to associate a rut with my current life. Yet, here I am.

In doing my own reflection I recognize how very inept I am at appreciating the gifts that I have in my life currently, what I recognize as true movement, and how to embrace such existence. I was reading a journal in which a man was describing his conversation with a friend. His friend was deliberately living off the grid- not making enough money to pay taxes and other such things. He greatly opposed war and so made the decision that the money he would have spent on taxes would then go to peace keeping efforts throughout the world. He viewed this as vocation! His friend who was writing the article asked him how he felt when he would notice that none of his efforts would make a difference. It seemed like a waste- he had been living this way for 20+ years. His response to his friend was that he was not called to critique the movement, but to be authentic to his call. Well, for those that now me, that was enough to stop me in my tracks.

How have I been authentic to my call? What have I done that is consistent with who I am and what I want to do in my life? As I near graduation, I truly find myself curious about which direction my life will take. And yet, having read this blurb in the journal- I wonder if it really matters so long as I am authentic to my call, to my vocation- to who I am as a woman, engaged in matters of this world! What do I need to do to ensure that all is going to be done to motivate myself away from the rut of complacency and into the life of movement.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Catching up....


The picture was taken when my good friend came to visit. I am feeling very nostalgic for my friendships right now. I am so very aware that I am not alone, and have never been alone in my life. There have been times when I have felt lonely, but never alone! The picture strikes me as beautiful because there is a sense for me of community within the picture- there is the knowledge of shared laughter, companionship and a given understanding of shared identity!

I know that it has been some time since I posted on my blog…it started out as unintentional initially- just the realities of a hectic schedule this last semester. This semester started out with a bang- or rather a crash! I totaled my car in mid January and am still dealing with all that it entails. Anyways- I have been meaning to get back into the habit of my blog writing since the semester began!

I have often wondered why it seems that the things in my life- the busy “ness” seems to control and take over the things that I enjoy. Is there a reason why I put off writing? I don’t feel “gifted” at my writing. There are natural writers- those to whom the written word just bounds from with grace and ease. I feel like the klutzy wannabe sometime. Yet, despite those insecurities, I recognize a more balanced life when I do write. There is a benefit to me writing and sharing-the benefit is purely I confess for me! The outlet is as therapeutic as running till I am out of breath (or so I would guess!)

I am anticipating a more balanced semester that will naturally lead me into better practices for the coming reality of entering life in the world again. I know that I have some friends who cringe when I say this- because academia is not removed from the world- rather it is a part of it. Yet, there are realities about my life at the SOT that are far removed from the life I had be fore uprooting my existence and moving almost 1000 miles away from my home. I get a big loan check every semester in which I budget and live off of for the rest of the semester. I do not work full time for a paid position- rather I study full time and work very part time for a bit of money each month. My fun looks differently today than it has in the past.

I must also consider the friendships that I have made and maintained in my three years in Minnesota. The reality that there are so many people in my daily life who spend the time getting to know me, visiting with me on a daily basis reminds me that there is so much to give thanks for. When I consider what I have to be thankful for and what I need to remember is gift- my friendships are never far from my mind. I don’t think that I will be in a place in my life again when I will be able to devote so much time to friends, prayer, liturgy, and reading!

I have come to firmly plant myself within the liturgical makeup of the church year. I await with great excitement the seasons of Lent, Advent, Pentecost and other such wonderful celebrations each year. There is a balance in the seasoned approach and understanding of who I am as a person within the liturgy and the season of the year.

Needless to say, this is a year that I will be noting with grateful language and heart what I have been given- a good mind, a useful body, a compassionate heart… I will continue to post about twice a week! Your responses are much appreciated- and feel free to challenge my thinking!

Peace to all!