Forgiveness...

Forgiveness…what does this mean? What does this call forth? Why is it so damn hard?
The more that I have forgiven, and the more I have sought forgiveness from others- (one outweighs the others) the more I have been stumped by forgiveness. I had an ah-ha moment about a month ago on retreat in which I came to understand that true forgiveness is not a moment, but rather a continual process.
What happens when I have to forgive my church? Should it be perfect and therefore not in need of my forgiveness as a representative of the community? Should I be seeking forgiveness for thinking thoughts that are not always charitable to my church? If the church is the “Bride of Christ” (a phrase that I more often than not cringe when I hear), shouldn’t she know better than to treat people the way she does? Is it enough to know that it is not the church- but the agents that are acting through the community that are in need of my forgiveness?
I asked a woman once why she stays as a contributing member of the church which continually finds ways to limit her contributions, the contributions of gay/lesbian to name a couple. Her answer was, “ It is in my makeup-it’s a part of me-its who I am.” Ok- I can identify with that. I certainly feel that way as well, but I wonder about circumstances when the body rejects certain parts of its make up. What happens when a bone gets broken and has to be pinned or set- or even removed? Is the church like that as well? Is there a way to remove the church then? Or what if it is like an immune deficiency disease where the body will attack itself at a chromosomal level? What is the recourse for such predicaments?
How do I continue to live an authentic existence and contribute in ways that are real when I face such a struggle in my identity as a Catholic woman? There is so much beauty and tragedy that faces the church on any given day. Maybe that is why there is such a need for forgiveness.
Peace.