Catching up....

The picture was taken when my good friend came to visit. I am feeling very nostalgic for my friendships right now. I am so very aware that I am not alone, and have never been alone in my life. There have been times when I have felt lonely, but never alone! The picture strikes me as beautiful because there is a sense for me of community within the picture- there is the knowledge of shared laughter, companionship and a given understanding of shared identity!

I know that it has been some time since I posted on my blog…it started out as unintentional initially- just the realities of a hectic schedule this last semester. This semester started out with a bang- or rather a crash! I totaled my car in mid January and am still dealing with all that it entails. Anyways- I have been meaning to get back into the habit of my blog writing since the semester began!

I have often wondered why it seems that the things in my life- the busy “ness” seems to control and take over the things that I enjoy. Is there a reason why I put off writing? I don’t feel “gifted” at my writing. There are natural writers- those to whom the written word just bounds from with grace and ease. I feel like the klutzy wannabe sometime. Yet, despite those insecurities, I recognize a more balanced life when I do write. There is a benefit to me writing and sharing-the benefit is purely I confess for me! The outlet is as therapeutic as running till I am out of breath (or so I would guess!)

I am anticipating a more balanced semester that will naturally lead me into better practices for the coming reality of entering life in the world again. I know that I have some friends who cringe when I say this- because academia is not removed from the world- rather it is a part of it. Yet, there are realities about my life at the SOT that are far removed from the life I had be fore uprooting my existence and moving almost 1000 miles away from my home. I get a big loan check every semester in which I budget and live off of for the rest of the semester. I do not work full time for a paid position- rather I study full time and work very part time for a bit of money each month. My fun looks differently today than it has in the past.

I must also consider the friendships that I have made and maintained in my three years in Minnesota. The reality that there are so many people in my daily life who spend the time getting to know me, visiting with me on a daily basis reminds me that there is so much to give thanks for. When I consider what I have to be thankful for and what I need to remember is gift- my friendships are never far from my mind. I don’t think that I will be in a place in my life again when I will be able to devote so much time to friends, prayer, liturgy, and reading!

I have come to firmly plant myself within the liturgical makeup of the church year. I await with great excitement the seasons of Lent, Advent, Pentecost and other such wonderful celebrations each year. There is a balance in the seasoned approach and understanding of who I am as a person within the liturgy and the season of the year.

Needless to say, this is a year that I will be noting with grateful language and heart what I have been given- a good mind, a useful body, a compassionate heart… I will continue to post about twice a week! Your responses are much appreciated- and feel free to challenge my thinking!

Peace to all!

My Life...

This picutre was taken November 21, 2008- It is from outside Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta- it is the crypt of Martin Luther King Jr. and his wife Coretta Scott King. A holy site indeed.
It has been quite some time since I last posted on my blog. It has never been too far from my mind however. As I was going through the life of the semester- I kept acknowledging at least to myself that there were many things that happened that I wanted to share in this forum. Here is a run-down:
• New job at the Diocese of St. Cloud in the Global Missions Office- I am really enjoying my time there, and it is beneficial to see how such an office would run- should I ever go to a Diocese that would like to start a program like this- it would be great to have such a background established!
• I attended the 19th Annual School of the Americas peace vigil and protest. This was by far one of the most incredible experiences of my life! It will become an annual event for me-until the facility is closed permanently! (This will be expounded on in greater detail in a later post)
• 4 classes at School this semester: Fundamental Moral Theology- I learned so much about the church structure in this class- we were required to read Humanae Vitaea and Donum Vitaea, and while I read them both- I knew I didn’t like them- or at least agree with them, but I can at least engage the reasons why I don’t care for these documents now! Christology has been the most straining course for me this semester- Sacraments and Worship has been fantastic! I have really enjoyed the learning- and Homiletics was a good class for learning to preach in all kinds of different settings!
• I have a paper that was accepted at NALM (National Association for Lay Ministers). This is really an exciting endeavor for me to be a part of!
• I have really enjoyed my (limited) time with friends and family! My courses kept me much busier than first anticipated so as a result my time was certainly more strained than what I would prefer.
• I was able to meet Don Sailers (renowned musician, theologian, and instructor from Emory University [retired])

The semester was definitely busy for me in general. I am working again on the editorial staff of Obsculta- the SOT student journal. I have been working as well on Alum group for IWJ (the internship from the summer) called SILC. I also have been trying to take part in as many of the liturgies on campus as I can attend for the simple reason that I LOVE the liturgical presence found at St. John’s. I am trying to take part, soak up as much as I can!

We are enjoying the first blizzard of the winter right now- I have been for the most part locked up in the house since yesterday at about 2:30. I did go and study at a friends house this evening- but while I love D- it was studying- so not really my idea of a good time! I finish up with classes this week, and anticipate such a smoother semester next spring! I will be posting more often and working diligently to establish some great boundaries and habits before graduation and going back into the work force.

I would like to leave you with a quote that is on my computer screen that I find such pleasure reading everyday! It serves as such a good reminder to me!
"Hope is one of my favorite emotions because of its humility.
It's not like gladness or joy which stick around just for the good stuff.
Hope is my heart's missionary.
It humbly seeks fear and shame and hurt and befriends them.
Hope enters the very dustiest parts of my heart,
clears out the cobwebs,
and whispers of the promise of eternal perfection. "
--Maggie Lindley

Crossing the Lines of Life...

A couple of years ago- about 6- I began a long and heated, passionate affair with the music of Mr. Johnny Cash. There is something very primal and very affecting about his lyrics, his voice and his music. The listener has the notion that we are glimpsing the tortured soul of this fantastic musician. His song, "Walk the Line" is singing constantly in my ears and in my soul these days.

I am getting ready in this next week to attend the 19th annual peace vigil to close the School of the Americas housed in Fort Benning, Georgia. My trip there will be a bit of a climax in the sense that I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to go until about three weeks ago. Through the gifts and generosity of others, I am able to go and participate in this action. I am looking forward to the opportunity to gather in prayer, and civil engagement.

There is the issue of “crossing the line” once I am there. I do not anticipate doing this at this point in my life. The punishment for doing this action is to be arrested (which I have no problem with) face up to 6 months in jail, and pay a fine up to $5000.00. What I find fascinating about this movement, is that there is real encouragement of discernment for those who wish to consider this action. There are lawyers on site to speak with those people who wish to consider such an action. I was watching movies about these actions in the last 19 years, and saw families who participated in these actions together- I found such commitment to be wonderful!

How does this have anything to do with me? The people that are targeted by the graduates of the SOA once they are back in their own countries are labor organizers, religious men and women and those who speak out on behalf of the poor. The senseless killing that happens in these countries is striking to me. For more information see www.soaw.org also, for those who would be concerned about a biased opinion, I would encourage you to find other sources that would present another side of the discussion.

I ask for continued prayers, and pray-ers to remember those who will be at Georgia seeking peace. I find that as life goes on, there are all kinds of lines that we are to cross. We are surrounded by lines that require a yes or nor answer- not so much a both/and approach to life, but a bit more polarizing.

The Reality of Daily Living:

So, it has been some time since my last post. There have been several new things springing up in my day-to-day existence that I would love to share. As most people know we as a country elected a new president- Mr. Barack Obama. Mr. Obama will be our 44th president, and first African-American. I never really thought too much about how much race played into life in America. I suppose that fits into the reality of being white in America. After my summer in Phoenix it is something that I have not really stopped thinking about. My relationship with my identity as a white woman is not something I have spent much time thinking about in the past. Today, there seems to be much to consider and think about.

Another aspect of my life has found some momentum again. In the middle of October I was asked to participate in a rally back in Phoenix, but couldn’t go. The discernment that went with the decision was incredibly intense. I came to some realizations as a result. I recognize my need to be in deliberate solidarity with others in the world. I also recognize my need to participate in rallies or peace vigils. Participation in such events was not commonplace in my upbringing, but I have decided to make it a necessary reality in my adult life. I will be attending the 19th Annual Peace Vigil at the School of Americas in Fort Benning, Ga. I am very excited about attending this vigil. I think it will also prove to be a fruitful experience.

While these two aspects of my current life are bursting with reflection and attention, my studies have been a bit different. It is interesting to be in the last year of my studies and to feel an apathy that has not been a part of the work EVER! (at least since I began this program). I guess this just means that it is a good thing that I am not going to be a student for much longer. This is not to say that I will never set foot in a classroom again as a student, but that I am ready for the break that will come after this latest taste of academia.

Alienation

This is the midday reflection I gave at prayer on the 15th. I have included the scripture it is in reference to.
Peace!!

October 21, 2008
Tuesday, Twenty-ninth week in Ordinary Time
Reading 1
Brothers and sisters:
 You were at that time without Christ,
 alienated from the community of Israel
 and strangers to the covenants of promise,
 without hope and without God in the world.
 But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off
 have become near by the Blood of Christ.

 For he is our peace, he made both one 
and broke down the dividing wall of enmity, through his Flesh, 
abolishing the law with its commandments and legal claims,
 that he might create in himself one new person in place of the two,
 thus establishing peace,
 and might reconcile both with God,
 in one Body, through the cross,
 putting that enmity to death by it.
 He came and preached peace to you who were far off
 and peace to those who were near,
 for through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father.

 So then you are no longer strangers and sojourners,
 but you are fellow citizens with the holy ones
 and members of the household of God, 
built upon the foundation of the Apostles and prophets,
 with Christ Jesus himself as the capstone.
 Through him the whole structure is held together 
and grows into a temple sacred in the Lord;
 in him you also are being built together
 into a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.


Do you have any powerful memories of something that happened when you were in kindergarten? Chances are, if you do, they will be of moments when you were very happy, very sad, very loved, or very frightened, or as St. Paul said in our reading today, moments when you felt far off or felt very near. Here's one of my kindergarten moments I was walking home from kindergarten one particular day when it was very, VERY windy. I remember clutching the door to an area business when all of a sudden it swung open! There was a big barreling man towering over me. I remember being a bit starteled, so I looked at the really ugly green carpet. He said, “I know who you are, I will take you home. Let’s go.” I couldn’t think of anything to say, but I just knew that my tummy was rolling for some reason. He drove me home in a really ugly brown car. I ran into the house to find my mom vacuuming the carpet and telling me to pack because us girls were going to stay with our grandparents that weekend. Tonight was supposed to be fun! I was going to be with Grandma and Grandpa Mougey- there would be great food- TV and really exciting games like kings in a corner, and Chinese Checkers! This was a guaranteed good time! I paused for a moment, and knew that if I told my mom I took a ride with a stranger, I would be in trouble, so I decided not to.
When it was time for dinner, we all sat down: the three girls and my grandparents. Scrambled egg sandwiches. I was going to be sick. My tummy ache from the car ride never went away. Grandpa told me to go and lie on the couch and rest for a bit. So I did, he came out and asked me what was wrong. I began to cry and told him that I had done something wrong, something that I knew I wasn’t supposed to do, but had done it anyways! I took a ride with a stranger.

Since that night in Kindergarten, I have had other experiences in my life in which I have felt really bad. I had done something wrong. As an adult, I call this alienation. Alienation comes to people in a variety of ways. For me, it came in this story when I did something that I knew was wrong, and continued by not telling my mom when I came home. Some people are challenged to stand up for what they believe in and are alienated for their strong convictions. Some people experience alienation from others by distance or inability to communicate. The main ingredient of alienation though is isolation- being separated. We can choose to continue on this path to alienation by focusing in unhealthy ways on those times in our lives when we have distanced ourselves from God’s loving embrace, and from those who embody God’s loving embrace in our daily lives.
Alienation brings up other points of concern. Alienation, while involving a central character generally brings others into grief. It is in this way that alienation is also communal. We reject those around us; we are so immersed in our own personal challenges that we forget to look at those around us who are on this journey as well. Paul calls them the “Holy Ones”. The immersion that one succumbs to in alienation is an issue of safety. We do not go out on long journeys by ourselves with out at least telling someone. It is not safe. Why would we question the road to God as being a singular experience, a journey for one? In alienating ourselves from places we belong, we sound an alarm to those around us. It is this alarm that encourages Paul to write his epistle to the Ephesians.

Paul reminds the Ephesians that we are separated right now- but there is desire to be unified with one another in our communities and with the relational, Triune God Paul glorifies in the reading. We are to create our selves anew, and to replace our older, torn versions of self. Have we done this? Have we mended our hearts from the bitterness that can creep into our lives from disappointment? Have we looked to those around us and offered help? Have we asked for help? What this will look like is different for every one. For some it is a bag of M&M’s, for others it is a call from a family member who shared some disappointing news. Regardless of what form mending comes from, it brings about relief or its own peace.
But it is not always as easy or simple as M&Ms or a phone call. Paul is encouraging the Ephesians to remember that through their (and our) belief in Jesus, and Jesus’ relationship with the other members of the Trinity, we can truly begin to understand the impact of relationships. Peace comes in relationships when encounter Christ in and with each other. There is a potential for relief in the sharing of pains and false expectations, hurts and sadness. But the wandering comes to an end- our journey finds a more distinct path. The fog isn’t so dense. We continue on our way to constant conversion and transformation, "moving in the same direction that we are, holy ones who can "bring us near when we feel far off because our relationship with them brings us to peace."

So what does peace look like when alienation has been left behind on a journey?
For me, at 6 it began with my Grandpa holding me telling me he was glad I was safe! Peace continued when my mother wrapped her arms around me and hugged me so tight the next night. How to be safe, how we can be brought beyond alienation when others embrace us with the peace of Christ is how we walk with “holy ones” on our journey.

Forgiveness...

Forgiveness…what does this mean? What does this call forth? Why is it so damn hard?
The more that I have forgiven, and the more I have sought forgiveness from others- (one outweighs the others) the more I have been stumped by forgiveness. I had an ah-ha moment about a month ago on retreat in which I came to understand that true forgiveness is not a moment, but rather a continual process.
What happens when I have to forgive my church? Should it be perfect and therefore not in need of my forgiveness as a representative of the community? Should I be seeking forgiveness for thinking thoughts that are not always charitable to my church? If the church is the “Bride of Christ” (a phrase that I more often than not cringe when I hear), shouldn’t she know better than to treat people the way she does? Is it enough to know that it is not the church- but the agents that are acting through the community that are in need of my forgiveness?
I asked a woman once why she stays as a contributing member of the church which continually finds ways to limit her contributions, the contributions of gay/lesbian to name a couple. Her answer was, “ It is in my makeup-it’s a part of me-its who I am.” Ok- I can identify with that. I certainly feel that way as well, but I wonder about circumstances when the body rejects certain parts of its make up. What happens when a bone gets broken and has to be pinned or set- or even removed? Is the church like that as well? Is there a way to remove the church then? Or what if it is like an immune deficiency disease where the body will attack itself at a chromosomal level? What is the recourse for such predicaments?
How do I continue to live an authentic existence and contribute in ways that are real when I face such a struggle in my identity as a Catholic woman? There is so much beauty and tragedy that faces the church on any given day. Maybe that is why there is such a need for forgiveness.
Peace.

Authentic Madness

It is no secret to those who know me that I am a bit of a fan of Jane Austen, her writing, her characters, and her stories have always delighted me. One of my favorite characters is Fanny Price from the novel Mansfield Park. Whenever Fanny is facing a difficult choice or point that requires contemplation (in the movie) she will often say,

“Run mad as often as you choose, but do not faint.”

I was watching the movie again this weekend and heard this comment in a different way than I had previously. “Mad” in this setting—for my interpretation means crazy- not committed. There can be a frantic tone to the atmosphere, but “mad” is a great Austenian term that reflects the craziness of life in general.

My life seems to every once in awhile act “mad” on its own accord, and I have no choice but to be “mad” within my own response to life. Some madness encourages destructive forces, while others encourages a range of emotions that I would die without. Madness is how I sometimes know that I am alive-breathing- a part of the greater universe. Madness encourages desires for what I know I want- companionship, love, friendship, wine, conversation, laughter. It also shows me what I may not always want- the feelings that are a part of the human experience that are painful-tears, sorrow, jealousy, insecurity, lust, depression.

Interestingly enough, we as humans can go through a day experiencing a range of these emotions in one day. Some people may shy away from such “erratic” ranges, I on the other hand look to my feelings to show me that I am still here on this planet and engaged in my surroundings. These feelings, the emotions serve as a reminder that I am here. Having dealt with my own depression- I know that when I don’t feel is when I am in trouble. Feeling is what senses energy for me. I exercise when I am upset- or ecstatic. (Since my ankle is healing this has been happening with greater frequency!!) I eat when I am by myself enjoying my own company but also when I share intimate moments with a friend, or a group of friends.

But remember- don’t stop-DO NOT faint! There is much in life when enough pause is given, that it can seem overwhelming and destructive-intimidating. Do not faint- Keep going! My father is fond of pointing out that “If you are going through hell, keep going. You might get out before the devil even knows you were there.” I think that was made into a country song a couple of years ago. Or as my mother would say, “Honey, keep your head up!” (What can I say, my parents are the best!- wise, generous, honest, loving and a bit mad in their own way!!)

So, run mad- be mad-be alive, BE!

Make your own stories!

Don’t stop! DO NOT faint!

Have faith!

Express your living in ways that reflect your heart!