The Lord is my Shepherd...

The Lord really is my shepherd. I believe this with my whole being. But (did you see that one coming? Yeah, me too!), I know that I am not a very good sheep. This post is not about how much of an individual I am, and ways that I can continue to be an individual within a community.

Rather, I was on retreat this last weekend. I went with two wonderful women, L and D (incidentally, I am G). We were lucky enough- graced, blessed enough to go to a cabin on the North Shore of Lake Superior about 20 miles from Duluth, MN. I took a book with me, The Way of the Heart- By Henri Nouwen. It was wonderful! The book focuses on the wisdom of the Desert Fathers and how these ancient minds approached a life of Christianity within their own modern societies. Fr. Nouwen finds three separate ways to begin this process, Solitude, Silence and Prayer.

Solitude-well, I am not very good at this, but this section of the book made me call into account a previous retreat experience. I went on a silent retreat last summer. I left after two days, instead of staying for my expected 4. I left for several reasons, most of which I related to my personal health. I was sick- and I had been struck with a couple of severe headaches. As I am not much of a pill popper it speaks to the severity of the situation that I would have been relived to have taken some Advil! Fr. Nouwen through the book spoke about the need to give into these moments. When there is not a phone to answer, a computer to tap, tap, tap away on, or an iPod to listen to- when there is just my thoughts, and myself it is no wonder that the rushing silence was deafening! So now the question I have to pose to myself is, can I do the retreat again, fully giving over to the drama of the moments, the silence, and accept the hard work that comes from a personal/private retreat?

The third section of the book was on prayer. This part served as a great reminder to me! There was a several paragraph conversation about how we as a people need to move beyond the thoughts of “ I need to pray” and to do it! Yes, I know that this is not anything new, but I pondered about this. D is trying to become a certified Natural Family Planning trainer. We began a discussion about the several different NFP methods, and one requires that a woman take her temperature before she even gets out of bed. So, then I wondered about taking my “spiritual/prayer” temperature before I got out of bed every morning. I usually remember to end my day with prayer- and you better believe that I remember to eat my evening meal- along with my morning and noon meals as well.

How does it become a continued part of our daily life and structure that prayer remains something to which we attain-strive for? Henri Nouwen suggests it is as simple as just saying, “The Lord is my shepherd,” over and over throughout our day, and before long, that sentiment is buried within our hearts.

Ripping off Band-Aids!

It is such a rare treat for me that I am able to be far enough on top of my game to post more than once in a week!!! (sidenote: as I am writing this post I am listening to Iranian public classical radio! it is fantastic- and I am sporting my new specs!)

What happens when we carry anger and bitterness with us from one place to another? While the question is a bit rhetorical- it has given me some pause for consideration today.
When I first came to Minnesota, I was leaving a position- one that I cherished, but at the same time felt I had grown out of. There had been some personal tribulations that I faced, but for the most part, I really did just want to go and further my own academic career and be more engaged in my own faith and theological understandings. So, when I left, I felt I was leaving one place with a firm foundation in self. About a month before I actually left though, I received a confusing note that alluded to my work performance. I was a bit confused as that had never been a problem previously- or if it was- it was not known to me.
Before that position, I was employed at another place and left that establishment with less than stellar feelings about the town, the people, and the life of working in a church. I just received an email from my mother today who was forwarding an email to me written by a friend from this town. They are looking to hire for their church again, and the gist of a comment was, “We haven’t had a solid person in this position since the blonde (me) was here. She didn’t yell at the kids and was really involved.”
I find it amazing what time and distance will do to heal hurts. I tend to carry my hurts with me. I wear some of them as badges and others are armor. What is the need to continue to protect ourselves from these hurts? Do we think that these protections will truly keep us from being wounded again? I have been on this earth just a short time, but in that time I have adapted myself very well to the American notion of solitary existence. John Donne I think is the man that reminds us that no [hu]man is an island. We are all in this together. So me, protecting my self from hurts is pretty silly. They are going to happen, they are going to be a part of my story, but they won’t be all of my story!

The Journey of Solidarity...

So, I think it would be fair to say that people know I like the word, “solidarity”. It has inhabited a part of my soul for some time now. But when asked what solidarity means to me, I struggle to find an appropriate answer. Does solidarity mean that I understand a plight of a situation? Does it illicit an emotion? Does it hint at a deeper discernment? I think that true solidarity is all of the above questions, and also more.

I became a vegetarian for reasons of solidarity. Meat was such an explicit part of my diet. I grew up in the ranchlands of the plains of North America. My Grandparents sold their ranch in the last 6 years to my uncles. Meat was more than a staple, stable part of my lived experience. It was how I understood food, life, and nourishment. I was speaking about 5 years ago with a woman who had also become a vegetarian for reasons of solidarity. She grew up in the same part of the nation as I did, and had a similar family background. She spoke of the need to be deliberate about food. She mentioned the fact that not everyone does this. I have invested much time and energy into this thinking since changing my diet.
What I come away from this experience with a stronger realization is that I am more committed to remembering others when I eat. What I put into my mouth- flavored by minerals and nutrients from the earth is refreshing, and yet, I also realize is a bit of a treat as well. I have the luxury to be in solidarity. I have the luxury to decide what I will consume and how I will choose to eat.

During the summer I came a different understanding of this all. The men that I was working with were pretty curious about my reasons, granted I didn’t say because of issues of social justice and to reflect a sense of solidarity. The workers were appalled that I would not only refuse to eat carne (beef), but also that I would not even eat pollo (chicken). I found it fascinating that meat is not synonymous with both types of meat.

So what else can I do to be in solidarity? My prayer life is a fundamental aspect of my day, yet, how do I encapsulate such a basic part? Will prayer—the discipline of prayer has the ability to cause such a disruption in my life as my eating habits? What are the prayers of my daily living? How do I encompass this living—this prayer ever day? Is this choice that I make, to pray, to be spiritually healthy, one that I find fulfilling? Satisfying? Is life notoriously going to be fulfilling with or without a life of solidarity and prayer?

Wean me from this life, O Lord.

“Wean yourself from this life of expectations; dream yourself into that situation. Wean yourself out of comfort.” ~Fr. Mark Thmert, OSB (Academic Convocation and Matriculation, 9:00 am, August 27, 2008).

I have been craving (wanting does not emphasize the feeling regarding this saying) the time to write on this quote for awhile, but my schedule just continues to get hectic and crazy. The imagery that Fr. Mark used to explain this idea of “weaning” ourselves was of a calf. This struck me specifically because I remember being on my Uncle Jim’s ranch and a pen was built on the lawn because a calf needed to be weaned. The bawling from the calf was incredible, and every once in a while we could hear the heifer bawling back from the corral.
I have been pondering a lot about what I need to be weaned from. I could make a list, it would be extensive, and yet, I still don’t know that the list would be necessary. Let’s just say that my closet is full of clothes, my belly is always filled with nutritious foods, I have a beautifully warm and comfortable bed to sleep in, and have a lot of books, music and varieties of teas to keep me satisfied.
I would say however that I have weaned myself out of comfort for the last two years. I have not been earning a paycheck that allows for mobility that I enjoyed before going back to school, the rigors of academic life have brought their own challenges. I have discussed that enough in previous posts, but needless to say, I stand by my quote from the first week of school-two years ago, “I sure didn’t come to grad school for an ego boost!”
Humility is a virtue that I embrace when I need to, but for the most part, don’t really think too much about. My level of confidence is sometimes misconstrued, and I am for the most part comfortable thinking that the misinterpretation says more about the misinterpreter than it does about me. Yet, I do find myself doing some interior naval gazing to see what the problem could be, “Why would this person say what they said? Don’t they know that the comment was hurtful?” The bottom line, I can wean myself from this thinking. This doesn’t mean that I will not listen to constructive criticism, but, more than being constructive, I will be weaning myself from language that is harmful, (yes, my friends, I will be practicing custody of the tongue-what will I have to say that won’t include a 4 letter word…I don’t know, but I bet it won’t take me to long to find out!) but also, I will be weaning myself from the harsh language of others.

Back on Track!

It has been sometime since I have blogged- I think the longest amount of time on record. I have begun my final year of Graduate school in Theology. I never really thought about getting to this point in the game. The last two years have been basically spent treading water, sometimes with a little floaty to help, and other times without. Let’s just say that my floaties were family and friends. It was interesting to note that when I needed a floaty, there was always, and I am not exaggerating ALWAYS a floaty there for me.
I have spent a lot of time these last two weeks re-examining relationships. John Mark is still in Africa- and apparently lovin’ it despite my very noticeable absence. Such is life. I remember my first class with him. He sat next to me the first day of classes last year. We really didn’t know each other very well, but were both in relationships that were ending. We allowed ourselves to see past some misery and saw some real special ties to each other. I have always said, “He would be perfect for me- to bad I am not his type. Pretty sure we would be married already.” I am pretty sure I am perfect for him, except for some little discrepancies. Regardless, there is such a heart felt tenderness, affection and love.
I was thinking back to one of the best times that I have had here in MN, and it interestingly involves Mr. JM. It was one of my last days up here before I left for my internship, and we decided to spend the whole day together. I had been noticeably strapped for cash pretty much all year. I got my summer student loan check and decided to splurge by buying him a going away present. I did that, picked him up and we went to the grocery store and bought a deli salad, some oranges, water, diet coke for me (I was still drinking caffeine then) and some great crusty bread and some beautify Brie cheese, and of course a new People magazine! We went to the flower gardens by the river in St. Cloud. We sat and talked, laughed, read, maybe even cried a bit (I think that was me again…). It was such a beautiful day to me.

I have been able to have a lot of days that would be classified as wonderful, fabulous and even magnificent. I feel that way especially after my first week of classes. I will be excited to continue this semester. I am taking Christology- the study of Christ, his life, his death and resurrection, and also studying the soteriological (salvific) nature of his role in the world. The Theology of Sacraments and Worship is my next class, which will be wonderful. It is an examination of ritual and roles in the church and the examination of sacraments in the church. Fundamental Moral Theology is on Thursday nights. It should be a fascinating look at what is meant when authorities make decisions about morality- and who decides who has authority, and who gives the authority away. My final class is Homiletics. Giving a homily-ahhhh- I am really excited about that class. I haven’t given a homily since I was at the Newman Center, (I have given some reflections here and there). I love public speaking! Really enjoy all that it entails, and I think for the most part, do a fair job.