Lent, the church, tears...

Scarring the Body of Christ

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“In deep disappointment, I have wept over the laxity of the church. But be assured that my tears have been tears of love. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. Yes, I love the church; I love her sacred walls. How could I do otherwise?”

Tears come and go.  They wash and clean eyes, leave tracks of mascara down my face, my cheeks.  They roll over my nose.  I have cried for love many times in my life.  The love of my church is probably one of the deepest sorrows I have ever held and cried for. 

What does it mean when the scars of the church are from scrapes and bruises that I not only cause but also continue to inflict?  I was walking through the halls of the office building I work in and I saw the pictures of a bunch of provincials from an order of religious men.  I wondered then if the order would ever see men of color in charge.  In a church that was founded on gospel values- “neither Jew nor Greek, neither male nor female, neither slave nor free” all people recognized as beloved children of God, how is it that our church allowed racism to persist?  How is it that our church allows for sexism to still exist?  Homophobia?  How with these HUGE issues can our church expect to be taken seriously by people?

This lent has not been a stellar lent in many ways.  My fasting has been pretty minimal.  I have lagged in my relationships with others, focused attention in places that I should not have.  I have felt lazy and uninspired.  My prayer life is for the most part non-existent.  Today’s first reading was from the book of Daniel and was the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego.  The three men of faith who would not allow their faith to be swayed by false idols, but stayed the course, faced the fire (literally) and saw the reward and favor of God in their midst- and also converted King Nebuchadnezzar through their very actions. 

I love my church- there is so much beauty in the imperfections of the actions of the church- in the thinking- the challenges issued.   There are times when I think of leaving, sure, but then I remember the challenge of being in relationship.  I am called to maintain this relationship until it ceases to be life giving.  I think the biggest hindrance to my life in the church right now is my attitude.  I think I will just get out of my own way and just be- just remember to experience and participate rather than anticipate.  

humble pie tastes like s*&^!!

I was told on Saturday that I needed to be humbled.  It was said in jest, in a funny part of a conversation after a pretty serious conversation.  It was said to lighten the mood, and to bring some levity.  As many of these conversations leave the speakers mouth, they stay with me for some time.  I find the need to consider many different points- whether it is to accept and take what is said as truth- or if there is a need to dismiss the point and move on. 

One of the best things that I have done since moving to DC is in the last 4 months, I registered to receive some theological sayings from Church of the Saviour in their daily Inward/Outward reflections.  Today’s was on humility.  (I often marvel at God's ability to reinforce a thought that is so easily dismissed in the heat of the moment.) It reads:

Humble and Free

Conrad Hyers

Humility is not thinking lowly of oneself; it is not thinking of oneself. The humble person is free--free to be concerned about others, free to be at the disposal of others, free to see the worth of others.

What does it mean to be humble in my life?  I know that I have gifts and talents that God has given me.  Some are discovered and in use, some have been discarded because I wasted them, others have yet to be uncovered.  How concerned am I about others though?  I remember when I first moved to Brookland, I was so wanting to be a part of the community- to really understand and establish in my own life what community, neighborhood means and to accept life in Brookland.  How do I show and embrace compassion for others?  I know that is really tough for me.  I feel so encumbered by my life and work sometimes that I want to be nothing but naughty in my life outside of work- I want to gossip, I want to be nasty to others, I want to embrace the seduction of a secular life that tells me there are no consequences to any choice- it feels good, wonderful, sexy, so I should do it.  I don’t want to work on relationships that are broken, I want to be able to wallow in a woe is me time.  My life is so boring in other ways.  The challenge though is that this is far from authentic. 

 

So, why isn’t authentic easier?  Well, I think that in being humble, authenticity comes a bit cleaner- not necessarily easier, just more well expressed in daily life and expression. The form of the question then becomes, “how do I accept humility-my humbling in my life?”

Who brings the thought of humility to my life?   I think first of Jesus- his humility to suffer the humilitation of the cross which would bring humanity to redemption.  But when I think a bit longer I see Mary.  Mary who witnessed the humiliation of a teen pregnancy- an almost failed engagement- an immigrant life-a son who was never accepted in society and ultimately killed as a criminal of the state.  I wonder as a woman- the older I get what this would have meant to Mary to go through each of these trials.  

Abraham Joshua Heschel

Prayer depends not only upon us but also upon the will and grace of God. Sometimes we stand before a wall. It is very high. We cannot scale it. It is hard to break through it, but even knocking our heads against the wall is full of meaning. Ultimately, there is only one way of gaining certainty of the realness of any reality, and that is by knocking our heads against the wall. Then we discover there is something real outside the mind.

I had so many goals in place for my 40 days of Lent. I was going to be “praying” more- and I really mean praying- didn’t even make it a day…I was going to be working to deny myself some of my favorite beverages- that fell at about the 14 day mark…what is the deal? Why when I was little was I so able to sustain the fast of Lent and this time as an adult- when I have the ability to regulate myself do I suck? Fail? Wither in comparison?

I was recently telling a new friend that I crave the discipline of the liturgy, but I think that is the only place- and really, “crave” might be a bit strong, though the liturgy is what keeps me going to mass- when I go…daily or weekly-its because the liturgy is so thought out and deliberate.

Prayer can be ambiguous and nostalgic at times. Ambiguous that during my grad school years, my prayer was in the form of my studies. I would read such deep though provoking word, that it became my prayer. Lectio Divina was often employed to read certain texts and passages. I would constantly seek out new and challenging ways to engage the texts- but always I knew that what I was doing was prayer. I have not made this leap to my new life, the life away from school.

I spent Monday glorying in the beauty of the cherry blossoms at the basin of the Washington Monumet and the Jefferson Memorial. It was a gorgeous and beautiful day. I spent the morning walking around by myself, listening to my ipod, in my own little world looking at the blossoms, looking around and seeing the living history story of a nation that seems to be in more trouble these days than out of trouble. What was glorious though was the way that people were still engaged, wanting to see what was the gift of spring. The whole morning was a prayer of walking, contemplation, wonderment and startling observations.