The quiet presence....

I think that sometimes it is very easy to feel overwhelmed by life, by living, and by all the realities that accompany every day in the world. What I found from a holy conversation tonight was my conversations are not separate entities that are removed from every other conversation, but rather are bound together in such a way that there is no real way to separate one from the other.

In my conversation tonight, I was speaking with a woman whom I have known for well over 20 years. She knew me as a little girl and has seen me grow and become a woman. She was my next-door neighbor, her daughter was my flat mate, we are peers in our profession of ministry. Our relationship has changed in subtle ways in the past 20 years. What I realized though, in our conversation was that the times that I have felt overwhelmed, when I felt the burden of choices, of carrying baggage that was mine to carry, and some that wasn’t- I was overwhelmed because I chose to not pay attention to the people around me. If I had, I would have realized that I would have been lifted by those who know and love me, who are standing with me, in an act of solidarity to help carry the burdens that I place on my shoulders.

When I was going through an especially bad time two years ago, I was heartbroken and sick, I remember my good friend telling me it sounds like I had lost a sense and an awareness of gratitude. I remember being outraged at those words!!! I had nothing to be grateful for- I had been dumped, humiliated, and really, I think indignant was a good look for me…I have thought about her words a lot in the last two years, a lot. I don’t ever want to be accused of not being aware of gratitude, much less, I have so much to be grateful for. I now look back at that time of pain and am able to reflect and see the beauty that has emerged in my life as a result of growing stronger in my own identity as a woman.

My conversation tonight with my friend reminds me over and over what it means for a cohort of women to gather and to be a support and life thread for one another. In today’s first reading, Queen Esther pleads for the cause of her people. She asks for deliverance from the evil plotter who wishes to kill her family, friends, neighbors, peers, the people she knows in her mind and heart. There are actions of solidarity that we all undertake to be of support for one another. Some speak freely about their actions of solidarity. Others just quietly go about their day and provide simple graces to those in the world by deed and prayer. That is what Meme does for me. I love you!

And so it begins...again...

Prayer cannot exist together with hostile feelings. The fruit of prayer is always love. In prayer, even the unprincipled dictator and the vicious torturer can no longer remain the objects of our fear, hatred, and revenge, because when we pray, we stand at the center of the great mystery of divine compassion.”
~Henri Nouwen

Lent began today, and with the ashes that now sit on my forehead comes the weight of the next 40 days. There are those that resent Lent, the act of giving something up does not ring authentically with their understanding of God. I wonder about that. Belief in the divine is not a guarantee that everything will go your way. Rather belief in the divine seems to be a way to get through the pain that sometimes accompanies life. Loss and life. Relationships are broken.

Lent is a time that I try to make sure that my prayer life is attempting to live on a foundation of sturdy stone. It is easy to allow myself to be distracted from the work of prayer as well. I find many reasons to wash and polish the floor rather than to spend the time needed to ensure that prayer is perfect. In a conversation today I was reminded yet again that my life is not a call to perfection, rather it is a call. That is all. My response to the call is how I choose to be in relationship with the divine.

It is because of the reality of prayer, the struggle sometimes to pray that I am reminded that I must in turn love from my prayer. My broken relationships are a challenge to remember that I am called to authentic love and also heartbreak with humanity.

Lent is the time to remove myself from the sin of omission in life- the refusal to participate from being with others because I am tired, because I don’t want to be doing anything. Lent is a time to get down to the business of loving others, and most of all, myself. Lent is a challenging time for me~I don’t know about anyone else…